In the first year (2021) after being released from an open prison, the probation office I was assigned to was in my exclusion zone, so all my appointments were via phone. I was placed in another area, and my probation was shared between the two probation offices. One had authority over me, while the other was just babysitting me and had no real say. The problem was that every time the probation office in charge of me booked a telephone call appointment, they would always postpone, never call me on time, and eventually stopped contacting me altogether. I had just been released from prison, and I had somehow fallen off the radar.
I couldn’t believe it. I was a convicted sex offender at the time, classified as high risk (because I was too low risk to do programs inside so was never allowed to lower my risk level), and I had no one taking responsibility for managing me. Luckily for probation, I was a changed person and incapable of ever reoffending, but that wasn’t really the point. I had to go to the probation ombudsman to file a complaint, which escalated to stage two before my management was transferred to the probation office where I now resided.
Then I spent another year trying to have one of my SHPO (Sexual Harm Prevention Order) conditions removed, which was placed on me by mistake. Despite the overwhelming evidence that it was placed on me mistakenly, it still took me a year and cost me £5,000 in legal fees due to several mistakes with the courts. Firstly, they tried to amend it administratively, but botched the wording. Then they changed my SHPO from indefinite to 10 years (which I was very lucky to get, and I didn’t complain about that mistake because once they had given it to me, they couldn’t remove it even if it was a mistake, as my barrister told me). Then the judge who viewed the case in court didn’t want to step on his colleague’s toes, so I had to pay again to see the original judge who placed the SHPO on me.
On my third court hearing, despite the overwhelming support from probation and the police, and the prosecution not challenging it (I didn’t know there would be a prosecution in these sorts of matters when varying a SHPO, but there we are), I was surprised that no matter how confident you are, the courtroom is a weird place where the judge’s whims can go in almost any direction and nothing is guaranteed. After some persuasion from the barrister, I got the one condition removed.
Since then, I’ve been trying to find work. I was a software engineer before, and it’s all I have ever been good at. I avoided companies that required a DBS check, but I have found that most employers ask about convictions on one of their forms during the onboarding process. If I wasn’t on license, I think I might lie because I have tried being upfront in interviews, but I always get turned down. I tell recruitment agencies that I took a career break or that I was a carer for a family member. Because I did an Open University degree while in prison, I sometimes use that to show that I was doing something with my time.
The police want me to work in a warehouse; they told me I couldn’t do customer-facing jobs. Although if I worked in a gambling shop where only over-18s are allowed, I can’t see an issue. While I may end up in a warehouse, I think it would destroy what’s left of my soul. I have an active mind, so doing a laborious job would harm my mental health. But I can see that I’ll be left with little choice in the end. I was able to argue with the police and say that if I gave them remote access to my work computer, there was no real need for them to come to my workplace, which they have agreed to so far, not that I have found work yet.
They told me that if I ever form a relationship, even after my license, they will inform the person of my offence. That I am only allowed casual acquaintances, not real friends. So I can join a book club and a walking group, but beyond that, if I get too close to anyone—friend or romantically, such as going to their house or going on holidays together etc—they will disclose this for the rest of my life! Whenever they come to see me, they always ask me how often I masturbate, which is so ludicrous because they only have my word for it. I don’t know what the correct answer is to that. Is too often more concerning than too little? If they can’t verify what I say, it seems so redundant and pointless to ask and only serves to degrade and humiliate me. It’s always a female officer too!
On one hand, the police bully and harass me to go out and be part of society, but they put these ambiguous barriers in my way. I live in constant fear of finding myself in an inevitable situation that could be misconstrued or twisted and taken out of context. My mental health has suffered so much because of the police and supervising police officer in particular. I remember some people would tell me they purposefully reoffended to go back inside because the police or probation made their lives so untenable that they felt they had no choice. How crazy is that? Something is very wrong and broken with the system when, in the name of protecting the public, convicts are oppressed to the point of reoffending because prison is easier than trying to rehabilitate. Sex offenders have the lowest reoffending rates but are treated worse than terrorists. I know I deserve to suffer, but I keep asking when it will end. Punishment without the chance to redeem yourself is just another word for torture. They ask if I’m suicidal, as if I can answer that honestly. Talk about asking stupid questions.
I don’t know what the answer is. I admire those who have sex offences and are able to live their lives. I wish I knew how they do it, what’s their secret. I feel I have to be paranoid because it’s my only protection against the police. I don’t live; I just exist. It’s beyond words—a hellish way to be. I wish I could talk to others in the same boat so I knew how they cope, what issues they face, but sex offenders are never allowed to talk to one another.
I only share my story not for sympathy, just in the hope that if you read this and you’re experiencing something similar, you’ll know you’re not alone.
*Name has been changed
